The Theory Called Boundaries
Things of the Heart
I watched a video recently that made me laugh—and then made me think.
A comedian was joking about her therapist, who advised her to cut off her mother because her mother “doesn’t respect boundaries.” The comedian responded by cutting off the therapist instead. Her reasoning? Her mum was born in 1955. Boundaries, she joked, were invented in 2018. How exactly was her mother supposed to catch up?
It was funny. But it was also telling.
Was the concept of boundaries really “invented” in 2018? No, it wasn’t. But it certainly felt like that was the moment it became a cultural commandment. Between 2018 and 2020, boundaries became the headline of every motivational speech, therapy clip, and self-help reel. Anyone with a microphone and good lighting suddenly had a revelation: “Set boundaries.” And it was delivered as the ultimate solution to all relational problems.
But how did something that was once a psychological concept become a social trend—and then evolve into a core measurement of healthy relationships?
A Brief History (Before Instagram Discovered It)
The idea of personal boundaries did not begin on social media.
In the late 19th and early 20th centuries, early psychologists began exploring the internal structure of the self. While he didn’t use the term the way we do now, Sigmund Freud introduced the structural model of the psyche—the id, ego, and superego—which indirectly laid the groundwork for understanding internal psychological limits.
Later, in the mid-20th century, figures like Fritz Perls (Gestalt therapy) examined how individuals define themselves in relation to others. D. W. Winnicott contributed ideas about the “true self” and “false self,” emphasising the importance of maintaining psychological integrity in relationships.
Then came family systems theory in the 1960s and 70s. Murray Bowen and Salvador Minuchin explored how families function as emotional units. Minuchin famously described boundaries as rigid, diffuse, or clear—not as weapons, but as structures that define relational roles.
The real explosion into popular culture happened in the early 1990s with books like Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. From there, boundaries moved from therapy rooms to bookstores—and eventually to TikTok.
So no, boundaries were not invented in 2018. But they were rebranded there.
When a Concept Becomes a Trend
Here is where my concern begins.
Social trends have a strange ability to reshape core structures—especially family. Sometimes for good. Most times not. When boundaries entered mainstream culture, they shifted from being about self-regulation and differentiation to being about distance and sometimes detachment.
And therapy, which originally treated boundaries as nuanced relational tools, is now often portrayed as quick to recommend cutting people off.
Let me be clear: there are absolutely situations that require strong boundaries. Abuse. Manipulation. Chronic disrespect. Some cases require firm separation. Some require aggressive boundaries. Others require subtle adjustments.
But what seems lost today is discernment, which is why I advise reading in my article Say…Decernment
We don’t always understand:
What kind of boundary is needed
Who should it be enforced on
When it should be enforced
Or whether we are confusing discomfort/dislike with danger
A mother will always be in your business. That is not always in control. Often, it is instinct. It is care. It is an attachment. Yes, mothers can be overbearing. Yes, some are controlling. But curiosity is not automatically controlled. Concern is not automatically disrespect.
In some ways, modern culture has blurred these distinctions.
And television has not helped, especially family-based shows. For years, the media has portrayed mother–daughter relationships as toxic battlegrounds. Conflict makes good drama. But in real life, a healthy mother–daughter duo can be one of the strongest alliances a woman has. Why would we casually dismantle that with half-understood terminology?
The Misunderstanding
What worries me most is not boundaries themselves—but how casually they are applied.
Some people adopt “boundaries” as a shield against discomfort. Others use them as justification for selfishness. Sometimes what is labelled as “protecting my peace” is simply avoiding growth.
Not every relational tension is toxicity. Not every disagreement is disrespect. Not every uncomfortable conversation is a violation.
Boundaries, at their core, were meant to clarify relationships—not erase them.
Modern psychology defines them as invisible lines that separate where one person ends and another begins. They are about self-awareness, emotional responsibility, and regulating your own responses—not controlling other people.
But today, they are often presented as ultimatums.
And that is a distortion.
Before You Cut Someone Off
I beseech you, dear reader—just because something sounds intelligent does not mean it is true. Just because a concept is trending does not mean it is universally applicable in the way it is being preached.
Analyse your relationships carefully: Know the people around you. Understand their history. Understand your own. Trust, love, understanding, and evidence—not trend.
Setting boundaries does not always mean drawing a dramatic line and cutting someone off. Sometimes it simply means adjusting access. Adjusting expectation. Adjusting how much of yourself you give.
And sometimes—if we are honest—it means admitting that what we are calling “boundaries” is actually pride.
So, What Is the Theory Called Boundaries?
It is a psychological framework that was meant to help people differentiate themselves without destroying the connection.
The real question is not whether boundaries are good. The real question is whether we understand them well enough to use them without dismantling the very relationships that formed us.
And that, perhaps, is where the heart must begin.